Saturday, March 7, 2009
... i began to suspect that i was having some kind of hallucination. triggered, no doubt, by the memory - the deja vu, the strange familiarity of the situation. i ran through the possibilities quickly in my head.
option 1: i was crazy. that was the layman's term for people who heard voices in their heads. possible.
option 2: my subconscious mind was giving me what it thought i wanted. this was wish fulfillment - a momentary relief from pain by embracing the incorrect idea that
he cared whether i lived or died. projecting what he would have said if A) he were here, and B) he would be in any way bothered by something bad happening to me. probable.
i could see no option 3, so i hoped it was the second option and this was just my subconscious running amok, rather than something i would need to be hospitalized for.
i was not allowed to think of him. that was something i tried to be very strict about. of course i slipped; i was only human. but i was getting better, and so the pain was something i could avoid for days at a time now. the trade-off was the never-ending numbness. between pain and nothing, i'd chosen nothing.
i lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its appearance.
it was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. rationally, i knew my lungs must still be intact, yet i gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. my heart must have been beating, too, but i couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. i curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. i scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.
and yet, i found i could survive. i was alert, i felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable. i could live through it. it didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that i'd grown strong enough to bear it.
for the first time in a long time, i didn't know what to expect in the morning. ...
- new moon
an apt description.
-
The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.
I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.
Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It's far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.
Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.
You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.
- Anonymous
PAWED AT 11:13 PM
