i'm actually feeling, for the first time in my entire life

the need for a male companion to escort me home whenever i go out late at night

*rolls eyes*

and i know what everybody is gonna tell me (like what they've been telling me since eons ago)

go get yourself a boyfriend to escort you home!

and in light of the present situation, i am almost tempted to say that i just wanted to grab any decent-looking guy on the street and ask him to be my escort for the night!

i know, i know

what an irony right?

i've been taking so much pride, and proclaiming loudly and proudly for the past 22 years of my life that i love the independence and the freedom i can get from being a swinging single bachelorette

by being single, i can continue to be the self-centred and selfish and spoilt and not-so-self-sacrificing (not that there'll be a huge difference if i'm attached anyway) brat and do what i want to do without any accountability to who-so-ever busybodies

yet my cowardice has failed my desire to be independent

a truly independent woman does not need a man to escort her home!

even when faced with her deepest fears, she possesses the courage to overcome them by herself!

this feeling banged home since 2 nights ago, and also tonight

when i felt really FREAKED OUT and jumpy by irritating/annoying/terrifying incidents whilst coming home alone

and for the first time again, i kept looking over my shoulders

the brother mentioned it might have looked quite cool cos i might have looked like some kinda spy doing undercover for some secret agency

but i swear, it's NOTHING like that at all

i was really shaking so badly inside and was almost running home

suddenly felt so vulnerable and insecure, i really wished there was a bodyguard beside me right there and then

urgh. okay it's feeling pretty distasteful inside my brain right now

i think i'm gonna post an advertorial on jobsDB to hire a male martial arts expert whose job scope is just to send me home whenever i'm out with the girls late at night

alright enough of rants

i apologize for my rant-ish mood tonight

i suppose it'll be much cheaper to ground myself until at least 7th month is over OR when the upgrading works are almost done